A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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