I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize