My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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