I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
