i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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