If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We smell like vodka and hangover
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