tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Panties = found
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize