the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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