Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
