You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize