Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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