She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
