He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
