Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I understand Curling. That high.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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