Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
