Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
