Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Help. Why am I so naked?
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