he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
