what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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