***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Someone came in the potted fern
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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