I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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