There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
