I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize