new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
