She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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