i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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