i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
