I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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