If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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