I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
