I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
