I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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