Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
