Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
