I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
