i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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