I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
