My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Randomize
