we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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