gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
