I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
