Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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