I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
someone owes me an orgasm
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
