so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
