She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
