i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
