i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
