mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
