I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
