so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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