the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
