i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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