Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
