Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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