Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
