i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
