from now on my penis is your penis
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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