she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he thought i was a dude.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
