Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
