apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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