Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
