so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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