do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
